To hesitate or not, that is the question

I was/am a bit of a dreamer.  You can say I wasn’t the best listener in school because of it.  Sometimes I would hear things or study things that I would memorize, get right (or wrong) on a test and then move on to the next task.  Every once in awhile something I learned sticks with me for reasons I don’t understand.  I am thinking about the time in undergrad where I had to read the famous Hamlet.  My attention was there because of all the hype.  I remember reading the story and not understanding what was so special about it!?!?!  For some reason I remember my teacher bringing up the theme of hesitation.  As you may know, Hamlet hesitated to kill and my teacher argued his hesitation was the point, not the murder plot or his own death.  This very subtle, non-direct theme took me a little to grasp.  Why would Shakespeare make such a big deal about hesitation.  That’s a little weak.  But the more life i have lived with that question in mind, the closer to the answer I seem to get.  Unfortunately, I am left with new questions.  Let me explain…

There is a girl.  She just popped into my life.  She is very pretty, way prettier than I am.  She has that face where it takes every ounce of energy to have a focused normal conversation.  Every guy, I am sure, has that issue with her, especially because she is very friendly.  I am older now and I know better not to overreact to this.  I have dated pretty girls, far prettier than me, that have turned out to be horrible relationships.  Physical attractiveness is very blinding, as we all know.  Anyways, I have to work closely with this girl, so I have to maintain a level professionalism.  This is a great thing.  I can act “not-interested” because its the professional thing to do right now.  But this has allowed me to be myself and be somewhat calm with her.  We genuinely laugh now and our relationship is becoming more real everyday.  I am scared I am starting to like her.  Why scared?  Let me further explain…

She just moved to NYC not too long ago.  She has been staying in this house with international kids.  Long story short, she has recently started dating a handsome romantic French guy.  I do not know anything more about him than that, but its not good.  This girl has been messing with my mind, and she knows it.  She would tell me lots about her life, but would only tell her girlfriends (who I know well) about her new french romance.  My first reaction was “Fuck, she is a big flirt, all that sincerity I felt was just her game.  Her not wanting me to know about him is proof that she wants to string me along, pining away, making her feel better about herself during the work day.”  I’m pretty sure that is a fair reaction.  Fortunately, it’s not the hardest thing in the world to get over a one-week crush.  That being said, I do not have legit crushes that easily and she really broke through.  I basically got her to tell me her situation so I can establish that I am not dumb and to make sure she knows that I know what boundaries need to be set up.  I handled it well.  Wasn’t sad or pouty, just interested.  That wonderful feeling of having a new object of affection got corrupted pretty fast.  I made a decision to stay professional, keep being myself, keep making jokes, but not to play any games.  I am no longer blinded by how pretty she is.

Fortunately, I had an opportunity to indirectly express how I feel about games.  The weekend she started a relationship with this French guy, she went on a date with one her friend’s friend.  She went to see Moonrise Kingdom.  The best movie of the year, and an amazing date movie.  I had been telling her, very innocently, that she should see it ASAP.  Sure, I had a daydream or two that we could go, you know, like on a date, but I knew I wasn’t going to ask her.  Not on her first week of meeting me AT WORK!  I guess I was hoping she would go with her brother or alone and we could talk about it at work.  Instead, she went on a date with some guy to the movie.  She said it was awkward because he was very nervous and she wasn’t feeling him and she felt bad about that.  A day later she officially started a relationship with that french guy who LIVES with her!  She was telling me that the Moonrise Kingdom guy was texting her for a second date and she wasn’t responding and she didn’t know what to do.  At first I was like, “OK here we go,  she testing my reaction to this date while turning me into her gossip girlfriend”.  At this point I was done with dreaming.  I mean we are talking about 2 other guys here she needed advice on.  Not much room in this picture for me.  I realized this is a good time to communicate how I feel about being lead on.  I told her, you know what you should do.  These were the words of advice I gave her in an e-mail:

“You have to grow a pair.  I actually think the truth about you getting the guy you have had a crush on for longer will make him feel better.  Otherwise, he will think that something went horribly wrong on that date and will be THAT much more nervous on his next date.  Communication and honesty can be hard but it usually causes less problems and awkwardness in the long run. ”

She listened to me!  She said that to him.  She showed me her message to him.  It was honest and tough.  The guy wrote back saying something like “Thank you, i respect your honesty and I wish you the best”.  You can tell that he was OK and was in a position to move on with his life without that horrible feeling of rejection.  This very calm and objective advice I gave her really diffused the games.  She has a boyfriend and I know it, she knows I understand what being lead on is and how against it I am.  So life goes on.

Back to hesitation…  I wondered, “hmm she was looking.  In fact she was available just a week ago, and you had a crush on her and now she is taken. I would say she initiates the flirting a whole lot more than I do.  What more will it take for you to go after what you want without caring about the consequences.  Maybe I could of gotten the girl!?!?!”  Did I over think?  Was I being patient or hesitant?  Is patience, which is hard when you have feelings, something that gets rewarded?  What the hell do I do now!?!?

Ever since we established our new understanding things have felt different, to me at least.  The cutesy talk has simmered down a bit, but there is still a very non-friend connection.  I swear it’s equally coming from her.  She reaches out, and thinks about me, and genuinely want to be around me.  Whether it is sitting next to me at lunch or at staff meeting, or coming over to tell me about what she is doing.  There is something about me that she is curious about.  She definitely seems to care.  She has her hot romantic french boyfriend, yet she cares about this, about me.  Either she is a psycho attention girl or she likes me.  Yeah I said, SHE likes ME.  I honestly do not think she is psycho.  She is smart and composed.

So this is where I stand right now.  That fuzzy feeling is back even if I was just recently so deflated by her.  The reality remains.  I work with her and she has a boyfriend.  If I hit and miss, work will be pretty horrible.  I am at least past the point of feeling like that would be completely my fault.  Her boyfriend leaves in 2 months for a masters program in France.  I leave in 6 months for Houston.

I have rules about girls with boyfriends.  I never mess with them, I am not shady.  I am sure her boyfriend would not like this post.  But I have been soo good in my life.  I do not steal or attempt to steal.  I have gotten a girl stolen, but haven’t stolen a girl before.  I am not going to now.  I am just going to have fun and work hard and wait to see if he is good for her or not.

So the question… when does my patience turn into hesitation?  Is this story a tragedy like Hamlet, or is it love story with a happy ending?  Can’t wait to find out.

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